It's been a year already....

Mom and her best friend CoraLee Hauder who also died of breast cancer a year before mom.

One year ago today was the worst day of my life. The day Mamma went to be with the Lord. Happy day for her...sad day for us. But we want her to be happy, and I KNOW she is happy...but it is still hard to lose her...we are selfish human beings and want her by our side.

It is hard to believe that it has been a whole year. Dad and Rhonda and I went to Milford this past Saturday together. Since today falls in the middle of the week and we have church and hockey games, we knew we wouldn't be able to go today, plus I babysit a 2 year old on Wednesdays, so that made it more difficult. So, Rhonda and I will go to lunch next week some time. Dad is going to lunch today at noon with our Pastor Steve Moltumyr. Dad was pretty surprised that Steve would remember the exact date of mom's death. I am sure this is a rough day for dad too. I haven't spoken to him yet today...but it can't be easy.

Though...it is just another day. No day is easy without mom. I can't tell you how many times I have picked up the phone (I know this is true of Rhonda too) and wanted to call mom and tell her something. I had a dream the other night that there was a phone line direct to Heaven. It was nice...I got to talk to her on the "phone". That was one of my happy dreams. Too often though I have bad dreams. I relive the last few days of mom's life in my dreams. That is no fun. I am looking forward for those particular dreams to end.

One thing that we all have going for us though...including dad to some extent, is that we are all busy. We were just talking about this in Milford the other day. It is somewhat of a blessing that we have been busy...we haven't had time to deal with the grief. However, that is not always a good thing either. Unfortunately none of us have had time to deal with it which makes it linger a bit more.

My only prayer is that the images stuck in our minds from the last few days of mom's life will go away. We want to remember her how she was in happy, healthy days. I would never change the past....but it was incredibly difficult to see her go through that. I am so happy I was with her at the end, but the memories that invade my mind are more of the last few moments of her life, rather then the happy times. I am told that those will fade with time and soon I will remember only happy times...that can't come too soon.

We had a good time in Milford though. We visited with mom's uncles Alvin and Harry, saw dad's aunt Rose and Connie along with his uncle Mo. Then we went to the cemetary. We had to "dig" mom's headstone out though. We have had more than 2 ft of snow in the past month and the winds have been horrendous, so some places are deeper than others. Her headstone was completely covered. Luckily, dad knew he would need to bring a shovel. I can't imagine it looked good carrying a shovel into the cemetary...but hey...we're Stutzmans...just old farm people! People come to expect weird and odd things out of us! :-) We took some pictures, lingered for a bit and then left.

Me, Rhonda, Dad, Harry Anderson and Alvin Anderson

We went into Seward for lunch because we had heard that dad's cousin Sharon was in the hospital up there. So we thought we would go visit her...but we had lunch first. It was good to eat together and not have 7 kids running around yelling and screaming at us.

After lunch we ran up to the Seward hospital, but Sharon had been discharged, so we didn't get to see her after all. Rhonda and I had hockey games to go to (4 of our kids were playing in several different games that evening), so we hit the road. Dad had a lame horse that needed to see the vet too...and his horse means the world to him, so we had to get home! I tell ya...sometimes I think that Sparks has taken over. Rhonda and Tonya who??? But Sparks, that is another story! :-)

Thanks for all the thoughts and prayers over the last year. We can feel them, and we so appreciate them. We feel lost without mom, but sadly life has to go on...whether we are lost or not. Dad's learning to cook better...I am learning to clean better and talk about crime shows with my son instead of mom...Rhonda is learning to shop alone...or with me better....we are all learning. She was such a HUGE part of our family, but we are all coping and managing. We can fight it all we want, but it won't change the fact that she is no longer with us. We take comfort in knowing that she if living it up in Heaven!! I just wish that "heavenly phone" was hooked up.....